Something lacking..

I was chatting with a friend of mine last night on fb, we were sort of catching up with each other about our lives in the past months or year that we haven't talked. Pretty much she's doing okay, as for myself, I am blessed now more than ever. She's been done school for quite some time now, and she's already working (good for her). A little later, she asked me this question: Have you ever felt like there's something lacking in your life as of the moment? That made me think for a good minute,, I thought to myself, well she seems well off with everything that's happening in her life for now (based on what she told me earlier). Then this silly idea came to me, "maybe she's talking about emotional emptiness or something of that sort," since we are in that developmental stage of life where intimacy vs. isolation occurs according to Mr. Erikson. But that isn't the case she said. For now, she's enjoying being single and there's still a lot more for her to accomplish before even committing in a serious romantic relationship (just paraphrasing what she actually said). Being unsure, I ended up asking her what does she mean by such question? She put it this way, "You ever thought like you feel you are meant to do something else greater or better than what you are stuck doing right now?" Ah, now i get it. She honestly feels stagnant as of the moment, having an educational degree and a mediocre paying job at the same time. She desire of attaining more than what she is working for right now. I wouldn't call it being an over-achiever, though she is an achiever by heart. She also shared to me her desire/plan of working abroad just so she could help financially to the construction of their church building as well as financially supporting her family. All these reasons are for a good cause I would say. However, sometimes or most of the time, we don't get things the way we would want to attain them. Yes, we do have the desire or the will to this or that or to plan ahead, but did we ever think that maybe the Lord has a reason why He's letting us go through such situation for the mean time? Probably, a preparation of what's to come? Yes, these may be small things in our eyes, the sufficient paying job that we have right now, but He's making sure that He can trust us with such small things first before He can make us stewards of greater ones. Otherwise, if we become impatient and hurry things up, it will be a big mess to clean after. Just like what happened to me a couple of years ago, I ended up being held back for almost a year after trying to figure things out for myself and going ahead with all my personal plans. Yes, we are destined to do great things for the Lord, so let us make sure that our purpose is not being overshadowed by our selfish plans, anyway everything that we do should all be for the glory of Him alone.

My prayer is that she'll continue to walk in the Lord and all the desires of her heart will come to happen soon, in the Lord's perfect time...

Getting better

Last week has been a tiring one. Worked for 8 days straight, walked back and forth from home to cvs under the heat of the sun. 20 minutes is not that bad though, I consider it more like an exercise. Plus, I get to listen to worship/praise music in my ipod as I'm walking. It's awkward though how those people driving in the road take a weird glance at me while I was walking on the sidewalk with an umbrella. Oh well, it's summer, the most awaited season of the year. There's only a couple of months of intense warmth in a whole year so everyone is trying to enjoy it, while here I am hiding under the shade of my umbrella. My reason is not only that I'm avoiding to get sun burned, but actually (I think) I have this weird skin condition where tiny brown spots develop in my epidermis whenever I am directly exposed to the sun for a long while (Thus, the use of umbrella is so vital for me).

So yeah, I started working at cvs last week. The first day was tough for me, I messed up my register training pretty much. My manager even felt unsure about me working in the pharmacy soon. But in the following days, she saw my improvement. "You were way better now than your first day, you were so nervous then," those are her exact words. Glory to God.. Now that a week has already passed, I'm getting ready to start working at the pharmacy. "You're gonna miss working here up front," that's my manager's way of saying that she'll gonna miss having me at the front store.

3 days ago, I decided not to bring my own food at work. So I ended buying one of those tastycake pie that we sell at the store. It looked/tasted good at the same time. But guess what, I started feeling funny to my stomach a little later after eating it. So i took some tums to relieve my stomach acid issues. But the funny feeling started to get worse, and for a couple of times I threw up while I was in the middle of ringing the register (good thing the garbage can is just beside me). So yeah, I had to excuse myself in front of the paying customers and then puke at the side. Disgusting yeah, but I really can't help myself. And then for the last time, at the very end of the shift when we we're just done closing the store, I literally vomited my guts out just right by the store post outside. I think a couple of people from across the street waiting for the bus to arrive saw that disgusting view of projectile vomit straight on the post/floor, also a man walking his dog witnessed the whole scenario (It's funny how the dog tried to lick my gooey vomit but then its owner just pulled his leash away. LOL). Anyway, my co-worker just decided to give me a ride home. I tried my best not to puke while inside her car while she hurriedly drove until we reach my stop. And I got home safe and sound.

When I got home at around 10:20pm, I was in intense pain. That kind of feeling when you feel like your insides are trying to eat up the rest of its contents, really that's how painful it was. I tried drinking gatorade but still it didn't alleviate the pain, and I just threw it all up anyway. Finally, I decided to get some help from mom or tito because I felt as if my airway it already being blocked by such a great stomach contraction. I went upstairs and started knocking on their door, they were both sound asleep I assumed so I just went straight inside. I tried to wake up my step-dad and he woke up right away. I told him I'm feeling ill and all the rest of the story that happened earlier. He asked me if I wanted to go to the ER, but I'd decided not to 'coz it's not really that serious. But instead, he just prepared me a hot compress to put on my tummy and cooked me some chicken noodle soup with sky flakes crackers on the side. I eventually felt better afterwards and I was able to sleep finally.. Thank God..

2 days later, I saw my mom finally after like 4 days. She told me she hasn't seen me in a while (Again, her way of saying that she misses me, lol), and asked about how I was feeling. I said, I'm feeling better now. She asked, "so what happened?" I said, "I think it the food that I ate was bad or expired," she said, "did you tell the people from the store?" i said, "uhm, I checked the rest of the pie's expiration date and they're not due yet." Then my brothers butted in "you should sue them!" I love how they always resort to that thought when bad things happen to consumers..

So that was pretty much it. I am blessed with my family so much.. And also thankful to the Lord for the new job that He has given me..

Obedience vs. Sacrifice

It's been a few days/weeks past since the Lord has given me this burden -- for someone specifically. A sister in faith whom I have really not known personally. Both of us may have shared a little bit of something about ourselves, but not enough to fully know each other as a person. A new believer in Christ, someone who seeks more to know Him. However, there are still a lot of things/areas in her life which aren't yet surrendered fully to the Lord (And yes, I am made aware of this fact).

Serving the Lord and at the same time living in sin, is not an equal equation. I myself am a testimony to this in the past. Fornication and ministry does not go together, neither do they work effectively hand in hand. Darkness and Light cannot be mixed together, neither can worldliness and godliness. One may say, "Surely, my boyfriend and I share the same room, but we're not having sex though." Who do you think you're fooling? You're fooling no one but yourself. Especially if your boyfriend is an unbeliever? The son of the devil and the daughter of God, wow, what a combination eh? Surely, I am not in the right position to judge or tell whatever is happening inside your room when both of you are all alone, but remember this, the Lord God that you serve sees everything in the secret. You may defend yourself by saying "I am praying for the salvation of my boyfriend," really.. is that so? You think that justifies your wrongful idea of cohabitation? You may be praying everyday that your boyfriend will finally ask you to marry him in order for the both of you to "live right" in the Lord's sight. Question is, when would that ever happen? Which among the both of you will finally have the guts to "make it right" huh? So, for the mean time you'll just continue "serving the Lord" while waiting for an answer probably? Meanwhile, you project this outward godly image to others as you continue to bombard yourself with activities and plans for different ministries set for yourself and worse - for others as well. What will you ever tell anyone who might ask you these questions? Oh wait, will you pull the "God is just and merciful to forgive all our sins" card? That statement in itself is indeed unadulterated, but if used for wrong personal intentions to cover up hidden sins is surely deadly. Or you might answer me back by saying "You think all of this is easy for me?" and I'll tell you "You made all these things complicated for yourself." The options are offered before you, CONTINUE LIVING IN SIN WHILE SERVING THE LORD or OBEY THE LORD FIRST, MAKE YOUR HEART RIGHT BEFORE HIM AND THEN SERVE. Now you make the decision.

"Obedience is better than sacrifice..." Ministry or any kind of offering is nothing before the Lord's sight if your heart is not right...

By the way, of all the things that you have done (what you call offerings or ministries) so far, I have not been blessed, rather my heart is greatly grieved.. You might ask me, why the hostility? I'll tell you, it's not "hostility," rather the disgust and hate of sin. Believe me I tried my best to express all these things in love, though it may sound otherwise. I am not speaking as if I've been so holy myself, but I too am being changed from glory to glory. Nevertheless, may the Lord convict your spirit as he continually deals with you personally, and there will come a time (the Lord's time) that these words will finally be spoken boldly but with love directly to you...

A 77 and a 77 for a 22..

I woke up from my afternoon nap not knowing what awaits me in the next ten minutes or so.. First I logged in through my webstudy account online to view the result of my third exam. I got an 80. I said "not bad." But then when I looked further down the pane, my average states "77" (I bet that explains the first number up there in the title). Then afterwards I got a hold of my cellphone and called TD bank immediately regarding some "suspicious" activity in my account. It says "you have $77 over drop." Where did that came from? That has been bugging me since yesterday. When I finally had the chance to speak with a customer service representative, the lady explained to me that the bank charged me $77 because I swiped my card twice without having any money on it. Isn't that great? I've always thought that I had everything in track when it comes to using my debit/credit card. Now I'm not even sure where to get the money to pay for that penalty charge just to be able to activate my card once again.

I'm starting to hate this.. First I'm in the verge of flunking my course, not to mention the potential waste of a substantial amount of money that came along with it, then now having to owe money to the bank out of my own stupidity?? Gosh.. If only I had enough to pay for my own food. But the problem is I don't. I'm jobless, I'm useless, and I'm lifeless. If only my "dear" parents know what is going on with me, probably they would treat me the other way-- or not. Because they themselves have their own financial issues to rather take care of. The van has been broken down in the last week, the car might be the next one, everyone has been stressing out on that. Even though I have this desire to help myself by getting a job, oh well, how do I even get to where I am supposed to go if I don't have any ride? So yeah I'm stuck in this rut. I'm tired of asking for money to other people over and over (not that all that is enough to keep me going through an entire month), I'm tired of studying my butt off and still getting the same mediocre grade, I'm tired of bearing with the people in this house (all 'em so perfect and organized), I'm tired of doing nothing out of all these...

I guess I'm done complaining for now. I know I still have to do what I have been doing (or not been doing).. and maybe continue sucking on everything. But then again, I have one thing to be thankful for and that is the fact that I'm not alone in all this.. Not that I'm happy because some person out there is sharing the sufferrings I have right now, but rather because I know that the burden is somehow lessened because there are two to bear 'em.. I am not expecting to walk this life free of any baggage, for I know that everything I need is inside that heavy package.. It's all a matter of how I'm going to utilize the contents of it -- things in life that I could either make use of or stuff that will just remain as an additional weight on my back. I've always thought somehow I have an idea of everything that is going on within this life of mine, but there are times where I simply just go on with it uncertainly. It doesn't necessarily mean that I am faithless, maybe I just do waver...

And by the way, happy 22nd birthday to me..

I miss you...

really messed up the last part of the bridge..

I found him..

"After a long time, I suddenly felt this longing inside of me.. Something urges me to search for that one particular thing that I have been missing all my life.. "

My mom and I have already had a series of talk about her history with my birth dad -- how it all began and how it suddenly ended. All is past and done. I do not put the blame on either one of them. I believe everything happens for a reason even though the choices that they both have made were right or wrong. I was born and I'm alive. Right now, all that matters to me is to find that missing piece of my life -- my father.

On the first day of last month (June 1), we started to look for him. With the help of a friend, we got a hold of his birth certificate. That was the only time that I knew what his full name was, the place where he was born, and the name of his parents (my grandparents). A tiny hint of hope sparked within me. My heartbeat was racing while I was trying to write down his personal information as it was being dictated through the phone.. Mom was right beside me then, and we started searching for people (with the same last name as mine) on every networking site I have on the internet. Several of them Lomios appeared.. Within the following days, we sent personal messages on each and every one of them, every single one of the messages contained the same question: "Do you know someone or are you related to Jessie Lomio? Son of Rodolfo and Nelia Lomio." A day later, two men from Dubai and USA replied to our message. The first person (Edsol Lomio) said "Yes, I am related to him, we're first degree cousins," while the second one (Emerson Lomio) replied "I think my father knew him, he is my second cousin." Those were the exact words written on my facebook account inbox. Other relevant information were also disclosed as we were exhanging messages. I couldn't believe what I was reading... These people are related to me.. But when I asked if they know where Jessie lives, neither of them had a clue.

More than a week later, mom finally decided to have someone go and search for my dad. Two older couple from Mindoro (Sis Bev's aunt and uncle) traveled all the way from the other end of Mindoro to Naujan just to find Jessie. They had with them all the needed information along with the whole story about me --his long lost daughter. On their way to the small town of Naujan, they accidentally ran into a tricycle driver who happened to be Jessie's childhood bestfriend. That's when they finally told him the reason why they were looking for him.. And he told them what happened to my father.

June 15 at about 10 am, a couple of weeks after we started the search, I woke up from my mom's call while she was at work. "Bonna, I have some bad news.. Mete ne i tatang mu..." Straight to the heart.. Weirdly, I was left breathless in silence. For about a minute, I tried to pick myself up and gathered my strength though my voice is cracking and I was bursting in tears. "Bakit...???"
He died of heart attack almost 4 years ago, according to his bestfriend.. His parents now live in Bae Laguna along with his family... He's got a wife, 2 birth daughters ages 17 and 11, and another adopted daughter.

So he's been dead all this time that we've been looking for him... Why Lord? You didn't even give him the chance to know the truth about him having a daughter.. A vital truth that has been kept to him all his life.. I've waited and dreamed all my life to meet him and now that we finally found him, it all ends up to this? Unbelievable.

Mom and I were still both shaken up by the bad news that we received. Mostly, she feels terrible about the whole thing. Guilt has stricken her so bad because it was her decision long way back when I was born to keep me away from my birth dad.. Only after she knew the Lord that she has decided in her heart to tell my dad the whole truth about me someday if they will be given the chance to meet again. I'm afraid it was already too late...

That same day, around 7 pm, we were trying to call up Jessie's sister who lives in Bae Laguna (We obtained her contact number from the bestfriend). We were both anxious and nervous at the same time while waiting for someone to answer our call.. Then a lady answered the call, just the person we've been meaning to speak with. It was my aunt Jean, my dad's youngest sister. Mom took her time to explain everything to her.. Everything about her and my dad.. and how I came to be.. "Kung meron man maghahanap sakin sa hinaharap, alam ko anak ko yun.." These words were uttered by my dad repeatedly while he was still alive, according to auntie Jean. Tears started flowing down our faces.. The feeling was unexplainable.. My heart was grieving and rejoicing at the same time..

Thank You Lord.. You allowed everything to happen according to your own purpose.. Forgive me for ever doubting or somehow blaming you for what happened to him.. I didn't know you have a bigger plan..

Wallow-mode

Woke up at around 8pm-ish. That long nap wasn’t much of a fun, knowing that my chest is painfully tightening while being asleep. I watched some primetime shows on tv for a couple of hours, then randomly picked up my car keys, wallet, phone, and went driving to the nearest pizza place. Great. Came there 30 minutes before they actually close. Had to hurry eating up my cheese fries and had to have my small pizza to-go. Just finished eating a couple of slices. The rest? Can wait to be consumed ‘til tomorrow. Now I’m sitting in front of my laptop, clacking up the keyboard keys, typing all these non-sense tell-tale of my 25-minute-runaway saga.

I felt kinda’ bad hours before I actually got to be where I am right now… and still feeling awful up ‘til now. That explains the sudden wallowing. Listening to Lene Marlin’s music isn’t really much of a help, but it makes good company. I’ve been thinking, am I really that horrible? At least that’s what I have been thinking/feeling about myself just today. You ask why so? Pretty much you know why. Or not.