A 77 and a 77 for a 22..

I woke up from my afternoon nap not knowing what awaits me in the next ten minutes or so.. First I logged in through my webstudy account online to view the result of my third exam. I got an 80. I said "not bad." But then when I looked further down the pane, my average states "77" (I bet that explains the first number up there in the title). Then afterwards I got a hold of my cellphone and called TD bank immediately regarding some "suspicious" activity in my account. It says "you have $77 over drop." Where did that came from? That has been bugging me since yesterday. When I finally had the chance to speak with a customer service representative, the lady explained to me that the bank charged me $77 because I swiped my card twice without having any money on it. Isn't that great? I've always thought that I had everything in track when it comes to using my debit/credit card. Now I'm not even sure where to get the money to pay for that penalty charge just to be able to activate my card once again.

I'm starting to hate this.. First I'm in the verge of flunking my course, not to mention the potential waste of a substantial amount of money that came along with it, then now having to owe money to the bank out of my own stupidity?? Gosh.. If only I had enough to pay for my own food. But the problem is I don't. I'm jobless, I'm useless, and I'm lifeless. If only my "dear" parents know what is going on with me, probably they would treat me the other way-- or not. Because they themselves have their own financial issues to rather take care of. The van has been broken down in the last week, the car might be the next one, everyone has been stressing out on that. Even though I have this desire to help myself by getting a job, oh well, how do I even get to where I am supposed to go if I don't have any ride? So yeah I'm stuck in this rut. I'm tired of asking for money to other people over and over (not that all that is enough to keep me going through an entire month), I'm tired of studying my butt off and still getting the same mediocre grade, I'm tired of bearing with the people in this house (all 'em so perfect and organized), I'm tired of doing nothing out of all these...

I guess I'm done complaining for now. I know I still have to do what I have been doing (or not been doing).. and maybe continue sucking on everything. But then again, I have one thing to be thankful for and that is the fact that I'm not alone in all this.. Not that I'm happy because some person out there is sharing the sufferrings I have right now, but rather because I know that the burden is somehow lessened because there are two to bear 'em.. I am not expecting to walk this life free of any baggage, for I know that everything I need is inside that heavy package.. It's all a matter of how I'm going to utilize the contents of it -- things in life that I could either make use of or stuff that will just remain as an additional weight on my back. I've always thought somehow I have an idea of everything that is going on within this life of mine, but there are times where I simply just go on with it uncertainly. It doesn't necessarily mean that I am faithless, maybe I just do waver...

And by the way, happy 22nd birthday to me..

I miss you...

really messed up the last part of the bridge..

I found him..

"After a long time, I suddenly felt this longing inside of me.. Something urges me to search for that one particular thing that I have been missing all my life.. "

My mom and I have already had a series of talk about her history with my birth dad -- how it all began and how it suddenly ended. All is past and done. I do not put the blame on either one of them. I believe everything happens for a reason even though the choices that they both have made were right or wrong. I was born and I'm alive. Right now, all that matters to me is to find that missing piece of my life -- my father.

On the first day of last month (June 1), we started to look for him. With the help of a friend, we got a hold of his birth certificate. That was the only time that I knew what his full name was, the place where he was born, and the name of his parents (my grandparents). A tiny hint of hope sparked within me. My heartbeat was racing while I was trying to write down his personal information as it was being dictated through the phone.. Mom was right beside me then, and we started searching for people (with the same last name as mine) on every networking site I have on the internet. Several of them Lomios appeared.. Within the following days, we sent personal messages on each and every one of them, every single one of the messages contained the same question: "Do you know someone or are you related to Jessie Lomio? Son of Rodolfo and Nelia Lomio." A day later, two men from Dubai and USA replied to our message. The first person (Edsol Lomio) said "Yes, I am related to him, we're first degree cousins," while the second one (Emerson Lomio) replied "I think my father knew him, he is my second cousin." Those were the exact words written on my facebook account inbox. Other relevant information were also disclosed as we were exhanging messages. I couldn't believe what I was reading... These people are related to me.. But when I asked if they know where Jessie lives, neither of them had a clue.

More than a week later, mom finally decided to have someone go and search for my dad. Two older couple from Mindoro (Sis Bev's aunt and uncle) traveled all the way from the other end of Mindoro to Naujan just to find Jessie. They had with them all the needed information along with the whole story about me --his long lost daughter. On their way to the small town of Naujan, they accidentally ran into a tricycle driver who happened to be Jessie's childhood bestfriend. That's when they finally told him the reason why they were looking for him.. And he told them what happened to my father.

June 15 at about 10 am, a couple of weeks after we started the search, I woke up from my mom's call while she was at work. "Bonna, I have some bad news.. Mete ne i tatang mu..." Straight to the heart.. Weirdly, I was left breathless in silence. For about a minute, I tried to pick myself up and gathered my strength though my voice is cracking and I was bursting in tears. "Bakit...???"
He died of heart attack almost 4 years ago, according to his bestfriend.. His parents now live in Bae Laguna along with his family... He's got a wife, 2 birth daughters ages 17 and 11, and another adopted daughter.

So he's been dead all this time that we've been looking for him... Why Lord? You didn't even give him the chance to know the truth about him having a daughter.. A vital truth that has been kept to him all his life.. I've waited and dreamed all my life to meet him and now that we finally found him, it all ends up to this? Unbelievable.

Mom and I were still both shaken up by the bad news that we received. Mostly, she feels terrible about the whole thing. Guilt has stricken her so bad because it was her decision long way back when I was born to keep me away from my birth dad.. Only after she knew the Lord that she has decided in her heart to tell my dad the whole truth about me someday if they will be given the chance to meet again. I'm afraid it was already too late...

That same day, around 7 pm, we were trying to call up Jessie's sister who lives in Bae Laguna (We obtained her contact number from the bestfriend). We were both anxious and nervous at the same time while waiting for someone to answer our call.. Then a lady answered the call, just the person we've been meaning to speak with. It was my aunt Jean, my dad's youngest sister. Mom took her time to explain everything to her.. Everything about her and my dad.. and how I came to be.. "Kung meron man maghahanap sakin sa hinaharap, alam ko anak ko yun.." These words were uttered by my dad repeatedly while he was still alive, according to auntie Jean. Tears started flowing down our faces.. The feeling was unexplainable.. My heart was grieving and rejoicing at the same time..

Thank You Lord.. You allowed everything to happen according to your own purpose.. Forgive me for ever doubting or somehow blaming you for what happened to him.. I didn't know you have a bigger plan..

Wallow-mode

Woke up at around 8pm-ish. That long nap wasn’t much of a fun, knowing that my chest is painfully tightening while being asleep. I watched some primetime shows on tv for a couple of hours, then randomly picked up my car keys, wallet, phone, and went driving to the nearest pizza place. Great. Came there 30 minutes before they actually close. Had to hurry eating up my cheese fries and had to have my small pizza to-go. Just finished eating a couple of slices. The rest? Can wait to be consumed ‘til tomorrow. Now I’m sitting in front of my laptop, clacking up the keyboard keys, typing all these non-sense tell-tale of my 25-minute-runaway saga.

I felt kinda’ bad hours before I actually got to be where I am right now… and still feeling awful up ‘til now. That explains the sudden wallowing. Listening to Lene Marlin’s music isn’t really much of a help, but it makes good company. I’ve been thinking, am I really that horrible? At least that’s what I have been thinking/feeling about myself just today. You ask why so? Pretty much you know why. Or not.

Slide cover

Sponge

As I was done washing the dishes a little while ago, I proceeded to cleaning our broken dishwasher. Normally, I use a separate sponge (aside from the one that I use to clean the dishes and stuff) to absorb the excess water that accumulated from the bottom part of the rack. Suddenly, my eyes were fixated on how the dry sponge sucks up the water almost immediately after it was soaked. Particles of water started moving toward the center direction where the sponge was placed. Certainly, that tiny thing can hold up liquid twice its original weight. Then I picked it up, squeezed it in the kitchen sink and did the same thing over again until the rack is almost, if not completely, dry.

That was just a part of the simple routine chore that I do every night. Nothing special about it. Though I admit that I enjoy observing the sponge’s porosity rather than doing the actual task of washing the dishes. “Is there something more to what really a sponge is?” For several nights now this question has been bothering me. So this thought suddenly came to me, maybe I should write something about it. I know it’s not a complex thing to merely look at such a cleaning agent. Apparently, its obvious appearance serves its purpose. (Duh Bo, it’s just a sponge for pete’s sake. Let it do its job. Don’t overanalyze things.)

There’s more than a couple of things that would define the word “sponge.” Definitely, I’m not referring to the sea creature, nor that cheerful-yellow-square-talking-thing in brown pants and tie that every children adorably loves. Simply just a plain object designed to take in any fluid within its reach. Then, there’s these other verb definitions that makes the whole difference depending on how they’re being used or meant.

According to my word processor’s built-in electronic dictionary:

sponge (verb)
- absorb liquid: to absorb liquids with a sponge or with the efficiency of a sponge
or
- get something by imposing on generosity: to get something by imposing on the generosity of others

So this is where I start writing…

See, such word usage could either be good or bad. This past few days, I’ve been contemplating on how portions of my life has becoming so shaky since this school semester started (now it‘s soon to end). As a family member, I thought/think that I’ve been giving much of myself on their household demands. Like a sponge, I thought/think that I just sop up everything that they have to say and make me do. Yes, it is my rightful part to participate and get myself used to all these. Really, it’s not that much, it’s just a matter of proper time management and I will be able to accomplish them in a smooth and timely way. What ticks me off though, is the fact that not everyone in our family is given a distinct responsibility of partaking in the household tasks to be done. Even worse, the value of the word “responsibility” is not being taught to them kids at an early age. I know my siblings are boys, but being a woman doesn’t automatically give me the words “maid” or “servant” written all over my forehead. Now, that’s double standard. Them parents only rely to me, whom they think is always available to do both the simple and hard work for them. Just because I don’t complain directly to them doesn’t mean that I’m okay with what I’m doing. But still, I end up doing it because I should. I wouldn’t say that I don’t have a choice, because really, I do have options. I could just choose to desert all these darn chores and get yelled at. Or maybe, have them do it instead (yeah right, as if that is going to happen). Sometimes, I thought/think that I really should be doing all these work in exchange to the monetary value that my parents has spent /invested in my ongoing Nursing education. I’m not really sure if I am obligated to work for what I have received, but sure they’re making me feel like I am (or maybe again, I‘m just thinking too much).

Now that I’m talking about Nursing school, I might as well say this: Bad news, I suck at it. I am currently almost in borderline average and below average grade. See, this wasn’t my personal standard and expectation because I know and I believe that I can do way better. I never really had a worse experience academically in my whole life until recently. Apparently, it is the result of my poor studying skills and lack of proper time management. Gee have I gotten so lazy? And complacent as well. That mentality of “everything is going to be okay” or “I can do better the next time” just don’t work for me because I end up being a notch lower than the previous one. And yeah, I would say that I’m badly in need of remediation at this point in time. Still, it’s not yet too late to not give up on myself.

Anyway, going back to the sponge thingy, I also think that I function as a sponge in the second definition. At the same time, I somehow feel that I’m imposing more from other‘s generosity. Fact: I have been jobless for almost a year now. I got no source of income, no not even one, but also that doesn’t justify that fact of me “almost” actually having to beg or ask or imply the need for money to others (such as my aunt, uncle, friends, but seldom to my own parents though). Just imagine the feeling of being financially sustained by the people around me, just like a sponge is being stuffed up by the waters around it. I think it really is necessary for survival for a sea critter. But having the backbone to get a job (for a fully-able adult like me), I say, would be the expected action for those of the higher level of existence. This is what frustrates me the most. I know I can do something, but I have chosen to give in to the limitations related to my familial circumstance.

Then lastly, comparing myself to a sponge also accounts for the fact of me being loved unconditionally. Sometimes I pause and think if the balance is right. “Am I giving out love just as much as I am receiving?” My initial answer is “yes,” but at the back of my head, I honestly doubt that. As for the sponge, the same amount of water that it absorbed is the same amount of water being let out as it is squeezed. Only difference for me, I think and I feel, is that I don’t give out everything. There’s more extra being left inside of me. Some of the love that I receive is retained, not fully expressed. Thus maybe I could say I am partly self-absorbed? Or what if the love that I’m receiving is more than what I could contain? Where do I put the excess? The sponge doesn’t hold it well if the water is more than enough, and liquid starts to drip out of it. I guess the same thing goes for me.

Iris

"and I don't want the world to see me, 'coz I don't think that they'd understand... when everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am..."

Don't start..

I was just done doing those chores that You asked me to do (whenever you want to). It was really nothing. I mean, I know I complain most of the time about 'em tasks, they're not that easy nor hard at all, but still I do them anyway. Because I have to. And I want to. It's alright. Just don't yell at me when things get out of hand. Especially if it's not my fault. I was already the one who got hurt, and yet you act as if you're concerned, by how? By pointing out my flaw in a grievous way. Making me feel as if i'm an incontinent imbecile. Yes, that's how you made me feel.

Don't say you're dead tired and your body aches from working, trying to earn a living for this family. Those reasons don't give you the license to *bitch at everyone else (or in this case, only at me) when they (I) mess things up.

I know this feeling ain't good at all. I don't want to hate. I don't know, but somehow you sort of pulled the trigger once again. That feeling of ill temper that I felt not so long ago is once more inflamed. Not that much maybe, it's just starting to creep up. I don't want to go that path again. If you hadn't noticed, I barely cried lately. That's because I believe everything is going well in this house (or at least, I think). Tears aren't coming out of my eyes yet, but don't wait until they do. That'll be really bad.. Both for you and me..

It just hurts this much on my part because I know for the first time that I actually stood up and did my wholehearted service as a contribution to this family, but yet you treat me the same way as before.. But nonetheless, thanks for making my blog a readable one over again.. Just like the old times..

By your side...

Originally by: Tenth Avenue North

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

(Chorus 2x)

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

(Chorus 2x)

I'm not going to let a bad dream ruin my day...

Right.

Broken..

2:06am. I woke up around that time this morning. This song just randomly played in my mind. As I was still laying on my bed, I let my imagination wander. Beach, food, friends... Bff... Can't wait 'till that actually come together to happen. Then I recalled yesterday at church, Gilbert approached me and gave me some of his baked cookies (how thoughtful..). And of course, that body-squeezing hug that he always give me.. Such a touchy dude. I don't know, but for some unknown reason that simple act kind of make me secured. Though I wanted to stay for a wee bit to chat with him, I didn't have the time (had to go home soon). Weirdly, I felt like I missed him so bad. He was trying to ask me something and it kinda slipped off my mind.

Suddenly, I realized that I fell asleep for almost ten hours (almost got lost track of time again) and yeah I unintentionally skipped dinner again. My tummy started to grumble. So I went upstairs and cooked for myself some ramen noodles. I washed all the leftover dishes after. Now here I am, in front of my laptop. Am I actually writing/blogging? I've been awake for a while now. And I decided not to sign-in in any of my messenger accounts, just to make myself focused on this one. Though I don't have any particular topic to write about, I just want to write whatever comes into my mind as of this time.

I was viewing my friends profile at friendster this past few days, and it's just good to know that most of them (my highschool batchmates in particular) are somewhat in the state of bliss currently. I'm happy for all of them NCLEX-RN board passers.. Then, i saw Mitchy's profile along with some newly uploaded pics she took from Palawan. It seemed as if she looks really happy. I'm not sure about that one though. I can't really tell. Or is it just the spur of the moment? I'd love to ask her and really know. But I won't. Maybe sometime in the future I'll have the courage to explain everything that has been. I have to admit though, I've been missing her for long time now.

Seemingly, I've been inconsistent with my sleeping patterns in these past couple of months. Don't mistakenly associate it with my irregular school/studying schedule (I'm pretty okay when it comes to getting them done just in time). Generally speaking, I think it's more of my poor time management skills. Gilbert has noticed the weariness in my eyes every time he sees me. I always tell myself that I'll be going back to my usual routine, but guess what? First night is okay, then the next is screwed up again. I notice the shallow dents/pits in my finger nails, i think it has something to do with low oxygenation or poor blood flow or calcium defiency due to my lack of sleep?? (As I've read somewhere in one of my nursing books). I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm just assuming stuff.

Nevertheless, I'm contented with everything else that I have right now. I have a Great God, a loving family, and good friends. I am well provided for, and most importantly, I'm blessed with people around me.. Those people may not be "around me" physically speaking, but I know by heart that they are. They make their love towards me seem so apparent, both by words and deeds. I love them so much..

...

I'm falling apart,
I'm barely breathing..
With a broken heart,
That's still beating..
In the pain,
There is healing..
In Your Name,
I find meaning..
So I'm holding on...
I'm barely holding on to You

...

1 day winter wonderland..

Snow-covered stuff..

So I Thought...

All your twisted thoughts free flow
To everlasting memories
Show soul
Kiss the stars with me
And dread the wait for
Stupid calls returning us to life
We say to those who are in love
It can't be true 'cause we're too young
I know that's true because
So long I was
So in love with you
So I thought

A year goes by
And I can't talk about it

The times were right,
But I couldn't talk about it

On my knees
Dim lighted room
Thoughts free flow try to consume
Myself in this
I'm not faithless
Just paranoid of getting lost or that I might lose
Ignorance is bliss cherish it
Pretty neighborhoods
You learn to much to hold
Believe it not
And fight the tears
With pretty smiles and lies
About the times

A year goes by
And I can't talk about it

The times weren't right
And I couldn't talk about it

Chorus Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, between
Chorus Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, between

And I'm praying that we will see
Something there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream
So we can talk about it

Chorus Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, between
Chorus Romance says goodnight
Close your eyes and I'll close mine
Remember you, remember me
Hurt the first, the last, healing

And I'm praying that we will see
Something there in between
Then and there that exceeds all we can dream

And all these twisted thoughts I see
Jesus there in between
And all these twisted thoughts I see
Jesus there in between

Happy New Year!!!

Hmmm… Let’s see.. It’s been 22 days since the year 2009 started.. So what’s up with the greeting? It’s not that late yet eh? Anyway, it’s still January.. And I’m about to lay down some of the good things that has happened within the short time between the beginning of this year..


This new year I am starting off with a clean slate… As some of the readers of this blog know, I just recently came out of my closet... … If you’re thinking about it the way other people most likely would perceive it, I think you’re not getting it at all… The Lord has given me, in His perfect time, the privilege to repent and confess my sins in front of my family and friends..
And so does the real battle starts…


A renewed relationship with my family.. Especially with my mom..:)


Then comes my Nursing studies.. This time it's for real. I gotta start studying my hiney off.. Tons of reading materials, faculty-student interaction, peer-interaction, in-class settings, clinical and lab settings, online courses, scrubs uniform, and what not... I couldn't complain though.. I must say, I really am blessed...


And lastly, I'm thankful for having a new friend in the person of Ati Janice.. My chat bud, prayer partner, and sister in Christ... :)




That's it for now...:) So much for the first few days of the year... God is good:)