Reverie

Tonight, we had barbeque for dinner. She did the grilling and I helped her set up the patio table. So I had to miss our cell group bible study at sis mila’s. Though I’m really not comfortable eating with them, I had to swallow up my pride and sit there for an agonizing hour consuming cholesterol-filled junk. Along with us was my lola who exactly feels the same annoyance as I do. While they were enjoying the comfort of their seats and gobbling over what’s on the table, my lola and I were just sitting there and taking our time digesting our small-portioned rations. Then, obnoxious conversations were brought up. As always, the two kids were the stars and we all have to pay attention to whatever non-sense they have to say. I just can’t help but stare into nothingness and wallow about the afternoon-nap nightmare that I had earlier.

Speaking about that, it was hell scary.. In my dream, there were Nazi-like troops who held us captives. I was there with random people lined in several rows. In between rows there was an approximate 12 inches space that separates us from the others. We were positioned in a leg-extended sitting position, our hands we’re tied behind, holding a gun that points upward towards our lower back. The deal was this: they were going to run a machine saw within that 12 inches space (in between rows of human feet) and whoever shrieks and tries to move their feet away from it or in avoidance of the saw will be forced to pull the trigger of the gun pointing behind us. Unfortunately, out of extreme nervousness and trauma, I was the first one who moved.. So I had to practically kill myself.. Gosh.. I died in my dream. And the pain? Unbearably numbing.. Almost real.. I guess..

I was forcing myself to wake up already. But no matter how hard I seem to try to open my eyelids, it’s not happening in reality.. I waited and waited and waited… Until I felt a vibration and heard a loud tune on top of my head. It was my cell phone ringing.. Then a gush of blood came rushing through my veins, causing my heart to beat heavily fast. Finally, I was awakened. Thank you bro Jo for calling me just in time to save me from a horrendous dream…

This is a living nightmare.. I don’t know where to be anymore. I am psychologically and emotionally attacked in my waking hours, and now in my dreams as well..? Great.

the hell i'm back

Twice today, I went to wal*mart and in the fuckin’ dollar store just to run those fuckin’ errands of hers… “buy some packaging tapes for your lola’s stuff… also buy me some playing cards.” I stayed for more than 30 minutes or so at wal*mart for the first trip looking for those freakin’ packaging tapes. I didn’t find any. So, I just went on roaming around the big store, looking for a yoga mat that I could probably buy. Yeah, I found a couple but they’re out of my budget so I just grabbed this mini ethernet cable I found at the clearance section. Then, I went to the dollar store to buy seven of those friggin’ tapes.. As I was driving on my way home, she called my cel and I just ignored it. I’m almost there anyway. But she left a voicemail. “Where are you now??? I just asked u to buy some tapes and what has been taking you so long??? (then hangs up her f-in cel).”

As I got home, I brought her the tapes. Then she asked me the hell where the playing cards are??? I said, I forgot to buy ’em. I didn’t purposely forget to buy ‘em though. She said, “Go back and buy them.” f*ck… okay. So I went back to walmart and bought her stupid cards. Here it is now. Enjoy your poker game along with your badinin and badichu (that‘s her nickname for my good brothers).

Hell, I’m getting used with all these cursings… too bad for me… Sorry Lord..

i am so ef-ed up...

This is madenning.. God.. i know i turned off the router and the modem last night around 1:30-2:00 am, just when i was done using my laptop. and i am certain that i did, because i even bumped my head under the desk as i was pulling the router plug at the bottom of the computer table.. and now, she's saying that she woke up at 4am and she saw both the modem and the router were turned on.. uhm, how the hell did that happen??? in such awe i wondered.. unless, some other being did that as we were basking in our deep slumber? jeez, just screw that idea.. it's been always a big deal for her whenever we forget to unplug electronic equipments at home (esp. when no one's using them). now, she's thinking i'm a lying idiot.. as she always believe i am.. yes, i am a chronic liar. but last night? whoa.. i do not usually swear to any form of Higher Being, but this time i'll take my slot.. YES, I SWEAR THAT I AM DEFINITELY SURE I WENT UPSTAIRS AND TURNED THE FCKING MODEM AND ROUTER OFF. you should have seen the expression on her face as i was telling her my story.. such disgust and utter lack of hope in me.. sheesh.. what's new?

Was i sleepwalking? or hallucinating maybe? did i really went upstairs and did the those things as i'm claiming i did? these uncertain possibilities scare me really... but one thing i remember feeling were headache and dizziness when i got up from my bed on my way walking upstairs (i live at the basement btw). so, when i went back to my room, i stayed awake for a little bit still, trying to think things over.. praying to God in my mind.. being thankful of what i have... looking at the glass half full, and not half empty.. then i fell into a deep sleep.. that's all i remember as i woke up.. i do not even recall if i had a dream... or maybe later i will..

Whatever is the underlying cause of this sh*t, i wanna know sooner.. or else i guess, i'm already losing it..

Have you realized something new lately?

I once heard her say that each of us has a person whom we will need the most..

As well as another person who will need us the most..

I needed her.. And I still need her up until now..

It’s just that she needs someone else so bad…

It just so happened it is true on her case…

And for most people without them knowing it.. I guess…?

I know it could never be that simple…





Hope we won’t miss out on each other now…

Rotten White Flag

I’m harboring a destructive angst that keeps on growing every single day…

It slowly creeps into my mind, which is manifested through my words and actions..

No matter how hard I try to bury the pain inside, its decay doesn’t really bring any comfort..

Oh, it is going to remain here for a long time.

What am I suppose to do? I can’t face my own battles..

I’m good at ignoring their existence, yes.. Darn… This sucks big time…

I don’t want to stop believing in dreams

Even though the circumstances around me prove me wrong at times.


Yes, I am broken-hearted.. Not that kind of a shallow romance..

I love my dreams.. More so even the thought of them..

But they were taken away from me..

Maybe I don’t know what the future holds,

But life is all about taking risks is it not?

God, I feel like a freaking invalid…

With someone taking me by the wheelchair wherever they would want me to go..

Thinking that they know what’s best for me

But they themselves have their own unsettled personal issues to worry about.


Every single thing that reminds me of those things that I should be looking forward to right now creates a slight ache in my chest every now and then..


I often feel regretful

Since I decided to do what is “right”

Just to show what? Respect?

That moment when I gave up my own choice of doing what I’m really passionate about…

In exchange of what? Nothing..

Self-destruction is what’s ahead…

Oh I wish… if I’m that stupid enough.

But no, I can’t let myself go through that downward spiral..

I know I am better than what she thinks of me..

Maybe far better than what she thinks of herself..

Dirty mouth

Not that I’m purposely forgetting to brush my teeth every now and then, but it’s the fact that I have been cursing over a lot of simple mistakes and shitty situations. There I go again.. Ah I hate this… It doesn’t make me feel better though.. It makes me feel even worse. Is it because I’m watching that L-word show again? Nah, that’s not an excuse. Well, back to that. I’ve been watching its 4th season for the past two nights. F*ck this internet connection! It gets crappier every single day! Sheesh.. Bull.. I don’t ‘wanna rant about this anymore.. But it just keeps on giving me the same old eff-ing reason to get mad.

Anyway, back to the show. I’m liking it againJ Now I know what my friend was talking about ( I think I‘m ‘gonna need those burned copies of the whole season 3 ). I wasn’t able to watch it on surfthechannel.com coz they got them all f*cked up. I’m in-love with Shane McCutcheon… Yes… Just don’t ask why.. lmao… Nah, it’s just a physical admiration. More of me being envious of her gorgeous skinny built.. Oh I wish I were.. F*ck.. I think it’ll be better if I stop this non-sense before I become that kind of person again..

Crap.. Those annoying obnoxious brothers of mine.. Lately, they get to my nerves really. Four things they know how to do best are: eat greedily like homeless hobos, play games in the computer 24/7, fight each other over almost at everything, and piss the hell off of my mom. Yeah.. So if you hear her yelling all over the place, I bet my doofus bros did something stupid again (as always). Holy piece of dung.. Can this get any much worse? So, most of the time I choose not to be with them because of that. Not that I’m being so overly dramatic and anti-social, but they don’t really need me anyway (feels like I‘m back to being a teenager). Only when they have some chores and errands, I think I‘m the only available assistant to do it for them (minus the fact that I‘m not getting paid for all these rubbish). Well, I think that’s the only purpose I serve in this family. No need to say thank you. They’re welcome.

We just watched The Dark Knight a while ago.. Surely it deserves 5 stars... Heath Ledger's the joker character portrayal completely blew me away... his random incipience and obnoxious wit really gives the audience such a different perception of who the character really is. What distinct the movie character from the one in the cartoon series is the perplexed nature of the real joker (Just watch the movie to see what I am talking about). WOW.. such a great actor.. too bad he's dead now though.. he won't reap all the recognition he deserves from his superb performance. Seems like the joker got the most attention from the viewers than the main man himself (Batman). The movie as a whole is pretty good, I must say. It may be too far from reality, but the predicaments that were presented were pretty much possible in real life. But two and a half hours of show time? Well, it was all worth it. Even the audience applauded as the movie ends. So far, it is the best movie of the summer.

My computer literacy class already started yesterday. We meet every Tuesdays through Thursdays for five weeks. It was alright. My professor seems entertaining, funny and very spontaneous. He ‘kinda looks like Will Smith, just older I guess. Though I feel like I’m back to square one again in terms of basics in computer. But what can I do? I need this course for the completion of my curriculum.

Also, my weight training class is currently going on for four weeks now, same days as my comp lit class, but in the morning. Weights, dumbbells, barbells, treadmill, and all sorts of weight training machines are in there. Our daily routines requires us to work-out at least 50 minutes straight. It doesn't sound tiring as it really is, but once you're the one doing it you'll feel the mild pain and discomfort of your muscles (which is good!). Though I must admit, I’m quite enjoying it. Not only can I build-up some pumps or abs, and tone my muscles, but the sight pleases me as well (I’m talking about a couple of hunk dudes who always work-out right next to me) Haha! Our teacher/trainer quite knows what she’s doing and it helps us a lot. She makes sure we’re using the equipments properly, Anyhow, I hope this session is more than just five weeks (Sadly, we‘re about to end next week). I didn’t think at first that it was a good thing my self-defense class got cancelled, ’coz if not, I wouldn‘t be having weight training now (Good thing it was!). However, I’m still planning to continue “getting fit” after this program ends. Maybe I’ll just do light cardio and aerobic activities, along with its inexpensive equipments. Just a fitness dvd, a yoga mat, and a couple or dumbbells would suffice for the heavy machines (in case of weight training) needed to get started with. It’s just a matter of knowing what you’re doing and achieving the desired results in the long run. And yeah, I hope I’ll be able to commit myself to this.. A lot of times I started in the past, but I ended up being the couch potato that I am. Well, good luck to me!

Something ordinary

Nothing really significant happened today. Except that I made a music cover of Paramore’s here we go again. It’s alright. I guess? I was chatting with a friend (kaye) this afternoon and she said that I was so mellow. What she means is the way I choose the songs that I cover are so soft. Or maybe it’s just my voice? Anyway, just for a change, I gave this a shot :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GghMhgZZ9aA

3 in a row

This day is not going to end without having to write my last entry..
Suddenly, I just felt happy because finally my internet connection seem to be cooperating with me for the last few hours. Well, before it even gets jaggy, I’ll take my time.

I’m enjoying this kind of life, well maybe for now.. A bummer. That’s what I am. However, I don’t think I can live like this for more than a month (God forbid!). Just sitting all day, facing the laptop, browsing different websites, watching shows, listening to music, etc. That is not really an effective form of living. I would say it’s just the initial excitement that comes along with this new freebie. Ever since I can remember, new things that come in my life overwhelms me for a long while. And yeah, I tend to forget that the world is still revolving. I really am out contact to the outside world. I’m such a nostalgia freak. In many ways I know I am. I love to revisit those good memories in the past, and from there I get usually stuck. Not being able to move forward, the joy of the past reminiscence lingers. Add to that the moving power of music that penetrates through the soul. Those which have been a part of my journey and battles. Wow.. It’s like dreaming while wide-awake. I wonder which kind of psychological disorder is that classified into, but oh well, I couldn’t care any less. I’m ‘gonna be sleeping sound tonight(I hope), and let tomorrow worry about its own..

Missing Dog

Last Wednesday was such a tiring day. I had to wake up early in the morning for my gym class. Good thing though, my organic chemistry class was cancelled (to think that was the day before our final exam). So I got to go home earlier than my usual time. Then in the afternoon my new laptop arrived, and of course I had to unpack it then set it up. As expected, I was so ecstatic. Just like a kid who received her first bike (or what not). But too bad for me though, I wasn’t able to set up the internet connection correctly, that’s why I had to leave it lying in my bed for a while and put aside my excitement. Afterwards, my mom was bugging me to help her with her resume (yeah, she‘s been jobless for the past two months). But we didn’t have the right application software to work on her “elegant” resume along with an impressive cover letter, so we went to our community library to use their second rate computers. Gee.. Wow.. Could that be any worse? First, it took us more than an hour to finish a single document, plus the uneasiness that comes along of just being with my mom. Finally, after 56 years we’re done (though we barely finished the cover letter). Oh, and yeah, 3 pages of printed paper cost us 45 cents. What a rip-off. It’s a public library. Apparently, those services should be rendered free. Anyway, while we driving on our way back home, I saw a doggie on the curb side of the road. He was wandering all by himself, without a collar on his neck. I think he was a terrier breed with white fur and brown spots on its back. I wondered if he was lost or something. Then I suddenly remembered that there was a missing dog poster in our street, and the missing dog in there resembles the dog that I just saw. So I told my mom, then we drove to the site where I first saw the poster. My mom called the contact person, and told him (he sounds like a lonely old man) that we think we might have seen his missing dog on the poster (though we were not really sure), and directed him at the exact location. Just to make sure that was really the missing dog, we decided to back and check him out. After missing a couple of streets, we finally saw the dog.. With his owner! Haha! It wasn’t the missing dog after all.. We got the chance to talk to the owner, and he said that terrier breeds usually look alike. So, yeah, that was our bad. A case of mistaken identity. Lol. But it was fun though. I didn’t know my mom has that soft spot with animals (knowing that she‘s allergic to their furs, and hates their stinky butts), going through all that trouble just to bring back the alleged “lost” dog to his owners. Nonetheless, it was a good feeling to know that she can be that nice, maybe not most of the time with me, but to others at least (in this case, a lower being).. And even if we didn’t get the reward allotted for finding the lost doggie, I think that simple experience itself made me realize some things.. That this is just a portion of good things that my mom is capable of doing, no matter how small it may be. Finally, for the missing dog, I hope that they find him soon..

Back in the blogging world

So, yeah, I decided to create a blog account once again.. Now that I have my own portable pc or popularly known as the "laptop," i can write my usual personal blogs frequently. While I'm still trying to learn all the technicalities associated with this new technology, I must admit that I'm really enjoying some (if not all) of the perks that came along with my new bestfriend. Well, the only thing that keeps me from browsing the net 24/7 is the crappy internet connection. Though we have broadband, I blame the inconsistencies to the wireless router that i bought along with this laptop. It sucks 'coz it's like playing tag with the people whom i'm chatting with online. One minute i'm on, then a little later i'm out. Over and over again. I don't remember being able to stay online (without being disconnected) for more than an hour since i started using this. Great. However, thanks to the ever ready ethernet cable which i can resort to use whenever the wireless capabilities of this baby is flawed. That means I have to stay close to the desktop (which my little brothers use most of the time) located in our study room, and patiently bear with their usual hyperactivity. Darn kids. Darn Router. I hope this gets fixed. Or else, it’s just as bad as not having my own laptop at all. Privacy is all I need.